So this blog is solely on my thoughts, experience, growth and what I have learned throughout my teen years and adulthood and I suppose sharing all such content and passing it on always allows one-new damaged sapling to get some sunshine even though it might be just for a while. So If, anyone down under is not into such content – It’s okay.
I assume it’s a little decent way to write a blog but somewhere my blog has been more about grooming, professional information, self-care, etc so far. But now, what I feel is, that even though I share all these things in a very methodical way, there’s always a need to share the basics for the ones who do not know the dung they are in. It is impossible to channel yourself, your feelings, your routine or your life to be precise until you channel your own self from the deepest bottom.
So I have grown in a very different way than normal kids since my birth, I have been in very disturbing situations, mainly because I was always traveling till my early teens due to my family’s transfers and really never got a chance to learn things in a very peaceful way. Sometimes I used to be in a very small town while sometimes I grew into a metropolitan place with all sort of modernization, open minds, love and different society. Shifting from one set of mind to another somewhere did impact my self-consciousness to know who actually I am.
I remember there was a time when my family was going through some emotional trauma like every family does go through once a while but what did break me down at moments was the fragile heart of mine – alone because I was unaware of myself. My parents were into earnings and I neither was anyhow very open to them. Maybe because both of my families, paternal or maternal came from very different backgrounds – again, making me question who I actually was.
When we finally settled down in my mother’s hometown I realized the difference of a metropolitan city I came from, to a very different society. I am not criticizing – will not. Every place is different – there might be bloodline marriages in a few cultures while there might be gay marriages in another. The world is a very diverse place. But what did matter was – In my teenage, when we need the trust of our families to talk about sensitive issues, school issues, adolescence issues – I never got the chance because I was busy finding myself. The thing was that – Even though I was prone to get bullied like I have no clue how out of 4000 children I was always the target everywhere. But, the thing is, Even after getting issues between my friend circle – there were always few I always felt comfortable with. It felt as if out of 24 hours of my life in a day – I actually get to feel to be real me in those 1 or 2 hours. I never did really realize I did not have to be confused or pretend to understand things or else. But those 2 friends like every single girl or boy does have those ultimate 2 or 3 for forever – were my mirrors. I saw myself in front of them, just the way I was without realizing.
My self-discovery did go until my early 20s. I did some memorial things and some devastating too. But at the end – It was me who learned things from those situations which I did understand later in my mid-20s. Till my early 20s, I just was cribbing about my life, and sadness and depression, ditch, bullying and what not just like a cry baby. But what I did feel later was – Calmness and being what I want to feel the very moment – being free, being honest, being moral, being compassionate, being weird, being crazy, being loving, being true and calm with even those who are terrible with me. Because after all those years of serious sadness, depression, rebel – what I now realize is, it was never worth it because – I just had to be me. I was sad for someone who was a sadist? Or I was sad about being timid? Or was it all a fuss because I wasn’t being my true self knowing what I do really love?
You know, there was a time when I failed to be so emotionally connected to anyone that it made me feel more emotionally traumatized. Sometimes We need to lose things, sometimes we need to do stupid mistakes, sometimes we need to explore everything in order to understand life if we have no one to talk with much. Though to be frank it is devastating to go through all of that rather than just talking to your one best parent but when you don’t know what to talk about then what? As I said, I came from very two different families, while my paternal family was bold and open minded more into the corporate world, my maternal family as – well, way too contrast, they were more traditional and with certain thoughts and believed in government sector more than anything. I, being in the middle, was neither a businesswoman nor a financial analyst or a government job lover( NO OFFENCE). I was a writer. I was somewhere in the middle of art and exploration. I was a lover of freedom, thoughts, exploration, travel, poetry, living the moment, helping others, gypsie lover, tattoo freak, debate listener, NOT SKETCHER but art lover and in every way I convinced myself that I was WEIRD. It really took me a while to digest the fact that it will take a lot of time and energy to be who I want to be because I was way… TOO different.
Life is a little messed up place. We all grow into different time zones, under different mindsets, in different cultures, with different people – BUT! What remains does remain the same. WE ARE WHO WE ARE. Being honest with “MYSELF” ended my self issues. Doing what I was compassionate about ended it. The blog! What you are reading is a part of it. The thoughts I am sharing are just a matter of fact that I learned from my life just to make sure that if , SOMEWHERE, there is a little girl, crying in the darkroom because she has self – issues, she is a rebel, short-tempered, someone bullied her or the guy she loved kicked her out – Then all you need to know is, they are who they are and we are who we are. But if you could do a little help to yourself, just be yourself with at least one of your parent. Don’t cut off or push them away because they do not understand or they do not get along or they have their own issues. Just like we are lost, they are too. Imagine it this way, they are earning for living and support the family. They give you birth, you grow up at least 10 years where we were always around them, loving them, and then you are lost! They are lost seeing you lost and THAT! It is a horrific feeling.
Parents might come from different families, generations, thoughts, experience- but a little smile on your face for them once a day, even though you don’t know how to talk to them, or you are in your own dilemma filled self-issues – may make themselves come to you to ask you about your life and understand.
If you are confused about yourself. Let your soul be what it is flattering the wings for. If you are a rebel just like me- and no one is understanding your thoughts then maybe you should just speak it out loud because if the first circle of your surrounding is not there for you then maybe there are a whole thousand or lakhs out there just like you. If someone did break your soul bullying you or making you feel inferior then, Aren’t they themselves basically inferior? People who are confident in their lives, people who are successful or happy within themselves never do that. And if somebody did ditch you, then what is the point of crying? Weren’t you honest with yourself?
The thing is, sometimes we live at a space or delusional world where we feel that people don’t love you, but basically, they just did not either get time or maybe they have self issues too. If you don’t love somebody and you are with somebody then sometimes it is good to talk rather than being silent. If you are being low or depressed about your conditions then, why not change it?
It seems a lot easy for someone who is writing a blog at 2:49 am at a different zone of the world. But trust me, I did not get insomnia just because I was sad or with issues. And I am absolutely not writing right now just because I am fighting within. This blog, these writings, thoughts, words, everything is just a very tiny bit- to help any 1 out there because – If you are true to yourself, you are happy, you feel good then no inferiority or bullying can dump you in a dark room to cry.
I, being one of the greatest EVER rebel in my entire family (ALSO RELATIVES INCLUDED) did get a lot of time to come forth and courage to write this. Because sometimes you may not talk to your friends or family, but someone who has been through it might be a good help. Someone who loves helping others might be a good shoulder.
My entire life, I was been assumed into things I was not. I just loved being myself, being free, being passionate about my work and friends. But what did trouble me were the assumptions and interference by others to be something I could never be.
The best thing ever one could do is, to be honest, and calm within. If you are not wrong, nothing can curb you to be in dark. If you need advice go to your parents, but never let any other person get in the middle of yourself. Yes, I might sound a rebel because you only break down when you don’t feel yourself. And if you are breaking down, if you are not sure how to talk to your parents just like I was, then you just need to find a self constructive way – talk to someone who understands you or is close to your parents, write them some thoughts if they could guess, spend a little time with them being silent a while so they could judge the tussle you are in, and again- BE YOURSELF.
Being yourself feels good. It calms you down. And Being a silent “Calm Rebel” is far amazing than shouting at the top of your tone to prove something. If you feel you are morally right, that it will not affect your present or future in a wrong way, if you are not hurting anyone’s feelings and being TRUE to yourself is making you happy then, BE YOURSELF! Maybe that’s why they said back then that “Actions speak louder than words”.